I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
