there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
