Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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