In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
