i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
