i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
