did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
