mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
