yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
