Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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