Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
