I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
