i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
