The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
