remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize