i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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