Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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