Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
