Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you still have your period?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
