If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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