i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
