I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
