Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Drunk is not a location!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
