yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
