i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
