bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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