i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
