Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
