Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
tell me about the fingering
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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