just come out here and I will go home with you...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
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I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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