Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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