i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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