then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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