I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
