you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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