my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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