He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's never too late to be topless.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My legs feel like baby dolphins
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
