Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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