OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
