This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
