It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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