Got a toothbrush?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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