Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
