benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
