i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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