i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
