just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
