I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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