just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
