dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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