He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just want nice things and good sex
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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