i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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