I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
