god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
