you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
