Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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