I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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