K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
