I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
