they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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